Today I bought a car.
I have felt the desire to write more, create more, and most importantly, share more, for a long time now.
I have decided to stop waiting until I figured out exactly what I want to write about. I’ve been hiding behind the need to know. I’ve been hiding behind my ego’s desire to have a strategy. I’ve been hiding behind my desire to have this story, whatever it becomes, wrapped up with a nicely tied bow on top. I’ve been waiting to have a story that makes sense. A story that has a clear beginning and and an ending with a nice piece of wisdom that culminates this entire journey. An ending that makes the reading of all of this worth it in some way for you. An ending that makes the writing of all of this worth it in some way for me.
After returning from Peru where I completed my 4th Ayahuasca ceremony, I’ve landed with a completely clean slate in Sebastopol, California. As I start re-building my life from the ground up I’m feeling a strong need to document and share my journey, simply for the purpose of doing so.
I’m not sure why my work with Ayahuasca feels significant to share at this point. It has been life-changing medicine for me, which I will go more into later. I believe it’s relevant to share now because a part of me felt/feels that I would ‘have it all figured out’ after working with Mama Aya. A part of me felt that that work was/is the deepest, most powerful work I could do, and surely once I experienced it I would be, well…. somewhere…solid. Somewhere defined. I would be at a place where I’m confident, and embodying my soul to the fullest in every moment. It feels so naive even writing it, but a part of me felt I would be done.
In this moment I’m experiencing a really clear reminder that the end of the journey is not the goal. The journey is where the juicy stuff is, and it is the most interesting, wild part of this human experience. After peeling off so many layers in the past year I’m realizing that my growth is limitless and thus, the amount of layers I need to shed must also be limitless in order to support this growth.
While I have done a lot of incredible, challenging, mind-expanding, heart-blasting-open-1000-times-over work in the past year since quitting my job, I know my soul is dancing me towards deeper exploration. It feels as if i’ve only touched the very tippy top of the iceberg. And that feeling is quite terrifying, as I look back over the journey this past year has taken me on and think about what may lie ahead.
And it’s funny, because as I wrote that last paragraph I thought ‘well this is sounding quite dramatic, like you’re about to embark on a solo trek across Antarctica or something.’
And the truth is, on the outside my future looks completely normal from a mainstream point of view. I’ve moved into a 1-bedroom place in Sonoma County. I bought a Prius-C today on a financing plan with monthly payments. I now shop at the local organic community market for most of my meals. I’m planting roots in mainstream society again after taking a hiatus for the past year. And this is the life that scares the shit out of me, a lot of the time. This is my work, now. Integrating back. Maintaining my center as I am magnetized back into the American world of shopping and fast-paced-everything. Re-membering and upholding my truth in a world that sometimes feels like everything is designed to be a distraction to separate me further from myself.
I am going to write and share my story. In this moment it feels like it will unfold in a more linear time-based format rather than theme-based which is how I approached my blog before. I honestly don’t know what this will turn in to. My intention is to share authentically, vulnerably and regularly. I will write freely without too much editing, and share. I now know that the editing is often the interruption between flow + sharing.
Thank you for sharing this journey with me - it’s such an honor to be here.